4 Ways to Deal with Grief While Building Your Business and Being a Single Parent
Originally in Medium.
Yep, it’s possible to overcome all you put your mind, heart, and soul into.
The best and most beautiful things cannot be seen or touched, they must be felt with the heart — Helen Keller.
Artist: Annie Tarasova aka. @dreamy_moons
I know the title of this blog is intense, but before I dive into more, you need to remember that in order for this to work, you need to prepare your mind and spirit for it. As I’m writing this, in a library, after a long shift working at a restaurant, with my eldest toddler sick for 3 days, I have gotten virtually no sleep. However the need to help others dealing with a similar situation is stronger than me.
There are days where it feels easier, but most days feel like climbing the hardest mountain — with a huge load of weight, and heavy sadness right there next to you as you climb. A clear reminder that, you still have to deal with pain and hurt no matter how much you try and avoid it with other distractions…
Yep, it's really easy to ignore the pain with work, Netflix-binging, the social media universe, alcohol, drugs, sex or whatever you do to avoid the big, heavy, not so comfortable emotions. Pain and grief.
Positivity and changing your mindset every day can be exhausting at times. But, for our brains to stay sane, it is necessary to stay positive. If you cannot, that’s okay too. The moon has its good days and bad days. She still shines beautifully when she can. Even when she can’t, we know she will shine again eventually. So, don’t forget to recharge, but keep shining your light. Remember, we are all here for a reason.
Now, go ahead and write down three things that make you happy. [leave them in the comments below — I’d love read them :)]
No worries if you haven’t found it yet. Keep looking and the answers you’ve always asked yourself are right within you or within your circle of friends and colleagues. Do not hesitate to ask for help. That’s part of what I’ve been learning through the grieving and healing process. You do not have to go through this alone.
If you want to keep the positivity going on days you really need it, I highly recommend exercise. Not just exercising the body though; meditate, write down what you are grateful for in this life, eat healthier, go to sleep early (working on this one — taking naps whenever I can!) and keep in touch with your loved ones.
My other bundle of weight is also responsibility for others — my kids, my clients, my team, my family, and trying to stay sane while paying bills full-time and working multiple jobs.
(Aside from working on my writing (my first love) and social media presence, I am also in the midst of publishing my first book, creating a podcast and organizing my first fundraiser event this year. I also work full-time in a vegan restaurant and once a week in a gym. This is in order to pay bills, put food on the table for my two toddlers, and continue to build my startup and my unfranchise business partnered with shop.com) All this while walking on broken glass. My mother is in her last stages of Alzheimer's at 55 years old, so I am dealing with family drama. Oh — and entitled writers gone bad.)
I try my hardest to keep a positive outlook because I know there are little ones watching.
Positivity is like a muscle that must be taken care of, nurtured, and recharged. (You are not going to be happy everyday and that's absolutely fucking fine!)
Let go of what you cannot control.
Here are 4 things I’ve learned so far. I hope they’ll help you too:
Be okay with being super duper sad, and learn not to numb or ignore this feeling.
It’s uncomfortable to even write this. I’m still deep in my healing journey. But I’ve come to understand that we must let the feeling of hurt, hurt us. We must acknowledge it, come to terms with it, and be brave enough to live with it, every single day.
Sadness has a purpose just as being happy does. There are lessons hidden in pain and loss. We need to learn how to live with our grief. It never goes away. That person you lost or are losing in a horrible way, was/is here for a reason. They have impacted your life in some way. You loved them so much, and it’s okay to grieve and be sad about their not being here anymore. However, I don’t believe a soul is ever completely gone. It lives through us.
When you honour that person and do something they used to love or when you do something for someone else, just remember your loved ones. That’s how you keep them alive. The lessons and values they passed down to you and what you learned from them while they were here — — that’s what will always stay alive in your heart and in the hearts of others.
It’s even better when you take those values and lessons, and use them to teach others, to pass them down either through writing, creating a workshop, webinar or podcast. Anything that keeps their message and their purpose alive. That’s usually the best way I’ve come to learn to cope with not having your loved ones here physically (my mom’s body is still here degrading each day, but what she used to be is not). But know that in spirit and through you, they are always here.
For example, my mother always wanted to be a health practitioner. She wanted to help those in need. She helped me a lot when I got leukemia at 15 years old. I’m alive today because she never gave up on finding solutions and an anonymous donor to save me. I pray every day that I could do the same for her. She was always so giving and always wanted to do more for the planet and those she cared about.
Now, these lessons and values she has passed down to me and my sisters are our mission to keep her love alive.
I’ve come to the realization that Alzheimer’s and dementia were bound to happen to her. She knew it too but didn’t want to accept or admit it. I believe there would have been a lot we could have done for her, if she would have talked to us. However, she had a communication problem. She would keep hurtful things to herself. I started to do that after my first break-up when I became a single mom. But thanks to my sisters and friends, I was able to recognize this and break the pattern. I am still trying, for my girls’ sakes.
My mom wouldn’t voice it if something was wrong. She maintained a happy demeanor even when things were not okay. She didn’t want others to feel her pain.
My mother learned this since infancy; her family was not very cooperative of people saying what they really felt or meant. It was considered weak and useless to even speak within the family. Even “I love you” was hard for her to hear. It would make her uncomfortable. The lifestyle she was raised in was more ‘fake it until you make it’…Meanwhile, she grew up in a household that was unhealthy and abusive towards her. Until this day, they have not come to see her or help her in any way. Another lesson: family is not always blood-related. Do not let family members take advantage, abuse and treat you badly just because they are your family. My mom’s coping mechanism was to silence those hurtful things and keep going. She would help others more, in order to avoid helping herself or asking for help.
She grew up to be self-reliant and did things as best as she could to leave her family home and do her own thing. She met my father, they got married and had me before she finished university. Then she went through a horrible divorce and met my step-dad within months of this. Never wanted to talk about hurtful or painful things. Again, a ‘just keep going’ mentality and not recognizing that something was not right. In other words, my mom’s life lessons are beacons of light for my sisters, myself, my two daughters, and perhaps for you too, as I share my story with you. #yourstorymatters (podcast coming soon)
2. Death is a part of life, learn to see the good even when life is at its worst.
Good or bad, our story and life lessons can help someone else. We come into this world with a purpose. It’s up to us what we do with it.
We all have the same 24 hours in a day.
Let’s not keep silent and start voicing what we really mean. Regardless of the consequences. My mother’s disease is terminal, but she didn’t voice her feelings and talk to someone. She didn’t exercise much and worked a lot. She didn’t get much sleep and always stressed about other things, unrelated to what she wanted to do with her life. These are things that accumulated and I know that she would have done things differently, if she knew better and knew that she wasn’t alone.
I miss her talking to me, especially going through mom life with not much support. I remember most of our conversations. That’s why 7 years ago, I was the first one to notice when something was wrong. She would tell me everything, and I, to her. She was my best friend and I was hers.
Thanks to social media, I’ve learned to reach out to other mamas and women entrepreneur leaders that have been helping me heal, get the help I need, and deal with mom entrepreneurship.
I’m creating a fundraiser event in Montreal, Quebec for child cancer patients and Alzheimer’s research. It’s in honor of my mother’s love, being kind and what she has taught us, so we can now create a safe space and help others through mindful art & creativity.
3. You are enough.
Yes! You have to remind yourself of this, even when others or other things in life make you think you don’t deserve happiness while you are in pain.
That is just ridiculous.
So please let go of that and start believing that you deserve everything that this world has to offer. Do not stay in a state of sadness and think thoughts like, “I can’t help myself because I’m sad and I can’t deal”… Of course you can!
Everything in this life is a choice. You are choosing to stay in that state of sadness, depression, anxiety, and fear. This is all just a by-product of thinking you can’t or stressing about a future that hasn’t even happened yet.
Take one step, one day at time, and slowly you will gain your strength and your willingness to do better than yesterday. Progress is a milestone process that requires time. Take your time when it comes to healing past versions of yourself, childhood trauma, fears, breakups, abusive behaviours and the loss of someone you love dearly. Seeking healing by speaking to a therapist or life coach can also help. Do not let pride make you neglect the power of someone who is trained to deal with your pain and grief. Remember, you are enough, you are loved and you deserve to be heard.
For parents who are reading this:
Parenting is freaking hard! However, as I’m in the last stages of publishing my parenting book, I’ve come to appreciate the co-parenting rules and boundaries that me and my ex have built over the last year.
We are better parents now (not perfect, but better) because we have built a good communication system, we take our time seriously, and we value our work and our time with our kids more. But more importantly, when it comes to our girls’ well-being, health, education and values, we want them to learn. We speak to each other in a kind and respectful way in front of our girls. We want them to also value that just because we are not together, it doesn’t mean we have to be unkind towards each other. We are also teaching them that just because you disagree or something doesn’t work out with someone, it does not mean that you have to cut them off or be rude with them (well, with the exception of some crazy, unsound people. It’s life, it happens. Some people must be cut off in order for you to be happy. Just do it with grace okay?). Either way, we are human and we are not perfect! We make mistakes and some people are on your life journey to teach you a lesson, whether it’s bad or good. Anyway- more parenting tips in my book soon :)
4. Love yourself and say NO when you must.
Even if it makes others uncomfortable. You are your first priority.
I know you’ve probably heard this many times in books, motivational quotes on social media, and other loved ones telling you, but it’s really the truth. Self-love is a discipline and it is absolutely necessary. I wouldn’t be able to do most of everything I do (!) if I didn’t take time for self-care and serious alone time. Writing, blogging, creating content, satisfying clients and giving value to others, as consistently as a single mother can, would not be possible if out of my 24 hours, I don’t take 15 to 20 minutes to recharge (my work hours are usually 64–72 hrs a week, but hey! Building two sustainable and mindful businesses and raising 2 children at the same time is not easy. However, that’s my choice to build a space so others don’t have to :) ).
I hope this helped you to be okay, and that you took a nap or put your phone down for a little “you” time.
It’s necessary.
Happy working, make sure you nurture your wounds and be alright with them being around you. Just don’t let them consume you. Life is short and we are here to make the most of it.
As always, be kind to your planet, to you (seriously) and to others.
By Angie Abreu Olivo -Founder, Creative Entrepreneur and Environmentalist Single Mom. Edited by Vanessa H.
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